When auditions were posted for “The Clumsy Custard Horror Show” I knew after a long absence from the stage, it was inevitable I would be back to tread the boards.

The play itself is a children’s show and not too taxing on the intellect - the typical fairy tale plot - Princess Prince has to marry on her 18th birthday and forces of evil are trying to woo her by fair and, when that doesn’t work, by foul means. Enter our hero, masquerading as an itinerant raisin washer and, with his trusty sidekick, battle the forces of evil and… well I am not going to give the end away am I?

However, as always in amateur theatre productions, back stage intrigues and sub-plots eclipse the actual production. Our hero is cast opposite his real life ex-girl friend. This wouldn’t be so bad, if it were not for the fact that his current girl friend (and sister of his ex) also has a role in the production. Urgent, whispered conversations and daggered glances are prevalent behind the dark curtains backstage.

My role is that of the trusty sidekick Worfle, a blue furry monster with 3 horns (typecast or what?). Make-up proved bit of a challenge, as did the costume, which thanks to the dedicated (and sometimes scary) sewing crew and a lethal hot-glue-gun was ready minutes before the curtain went up.

As in any fairy tale though, it works out well – a superb director and a great cast and crew made for a really successful production, where (almost) everyone ended up living happily ever after.

For more information about the show and cast pictures or scene pictures, check out The Roadside Theater Web page

So my return to South Africa and to the Palace Hotel in Sun City, a member “The Leading Hotels of the World” chain and the only hotel where I have ever been robbed (I like to think of it as “The Thieving Hotel of the World”). This time, however, I was prepared and was equipped with pad locks, rope, and some thin leather gloves so as not to leave any fingerprints – it was pay back time.

The hotel itself has not changed much, lovingly crafted from chicken wire, fiberglass, molded concrete and a few coats of paint, its opulence stands unmatched as any hotel stuck in the middle of a half desert game park.

The hotel itself has some unusual characteristics:

• Literally hundreds of staff that do basically nothing but sit around all day, such as the pool boys or the security staff (perhaps “The Leading Hotel of the World, for the staff”)
• Huge quantities of ice in the urinals, and staff (with bare, ungloved hands) take the “used” cubes out and replace it with “fresh” ice.
• Rather thrilling lifts (elevators) that peruse totally random courses. Never before have I been stepped in a lift with a 50/50 chance of going in the direction I wanted, regardless of which button was pressed.

I was presenting at conference along with some very prestigious guests such as Nelson Mandela and Baroness Chalker. The Baroness was very approachable, but Nelson had 6 body guards in constant orbit, which made a photo opportunity a little difficult.

On the final day, we had a couple of hours free so decided on a 3 hour safari. Getting up at 5:15 a.m. for a 6 a.m. start was not the easiest thing after the ice party the night before, but we made it. After driving around for about an hour and seeing only a couple of sleeping rhinoceroses disappointment started to creep in. But then after a tea stop, things started to look up (as things usually do). Lions, elephants, antelope, wildebeest, baboons and giraffes suddenly appeared, begging to be photographed. We also managed to get a shot of an original African zebra crossing.

On the way back to Johannesburg airport we stopped off at a traditional African side-of-the-road market, where everyone wanted to be my new best friend and offer me “a very special price”, especially after they realized I had Euros in my pocket. Still haggling the prices down proved to be relatively easy, and I obtained much African crap on this trip, along with some very nice crisp bed linens, he said, removing his gloves…

Raffles